I am tall with a very large shoe size, surely the top five percentile above the male average. I am noticeable and will never pass for those gendering based on perceived biological determination. And that remains regardless of how nice, harmonic, feminine my presentation is, even how beautiful I am. Deal with it!? Aiming to pass (to be able to unnoticeably move around expressing your true gender) is one thing. It is a very understandable strive, very human, very socially conscious, and very transphobic. Many times, you hear from trans people (who pass) how unfortunate are the ones whose (unchangeable) physical traits make it very hard for them to pass. Or doctors advocating for puberty blockers for teenage trans girls not to grow too big to pass. Let us remember when women of color were straightening their hair to look closer to the ideals (white Caucasian determined). The visibly trans, the noticeable ones, us, the attention magnets. Please note you cannot live your life in continuous attention. And I am not talking yet verbal or other harassment just looks, stares, faces, all day long. Passing by no means should be a determining factor for living your true self or for transitioning as such. Passing has been and is prohibiting and delaying trans people in fighting their dysphoria, causing a lot of unnecessary, avoidable damage. In a modern open society, you do not actually need passing. I would expect that one’s transgender background if noticeable does also not play a role or influence perception and respectful friendly treatment by the others. The harmony and esthetics of the presentation is also secondary and is left to the individuals preference. I need to be proud about my height, proud about my broad shoulders. I need to be able to embrace my large hands and feet as part of my feminine expression. Passing is also about the confidence you are projecting when you are moving around, your aura says a lot, it protects you from superficial judgement. But you do fall out of your Zen state many times and then boom, your biology becomes your worst enemy. And it should not be the case, I mean why expect a trans person to always be confident and extrovert; we also have our bad moods, bad days. Sometimes a place, a time, even person becomes my kryptonite, making me lose all my trans superpowers, including my basic ability to pass. It does not happen often, but it still feels pretty devastating. And on sooo many days passing feels like a piece of cake, comes so naturally and easy, making me almost believe there is really nothing revealing in my presentation. You also get addicted to passing and you are seeking your next opportunity to really feel at ease in your body and skin. It is an intoxicating and liberating feeling. I am not sure how should passing be explained to all. It is a secure state you are most of the time probably not even aware of. It is the feeling of your presence and presentation being valid and right. Not fraudulent, fake, you’re not in a disguise, not in a place where you do not belong. It is a privilege but should not be one. It is a benefit because society is not 100% open and accepting. Yet it cannot be a must…

I did have my official gender marker and first name changed. I am a woman (officially and in front of law and justice as well). The declaration is really easy and casual. Got my appointment for the same day afternoon as I called at the local municipal office. There is a slight chance that I misheard, but I think I was immediately misgendered right at the end of the act and actually by the officer who „just made me a woman“. She said „Goodbye Sir.“. Well, „We only work with professionals here!“ replied a friend when I told the story. In hindsight I need to admit I became instantly much more sensitive about pronouns and misgendering when being addressed. This happened even though I knew very clearly that the marker change will not make passing easier. Still, somehow now I feel the mistake more since it became also officially incorrect. I need to develop a new sense of humour (or at least get back to it), and ease into a superficial insensitivity about it because it will be accompanying me maybe for eternity. I knew I need to accept the official gender change did not turn me into a cis woman, so just because the marker makes me feel more cis (more of a cis woman), the challenges associated with being trans remain. Then came happiness with the realization that finally I ended up with a short and pronounceable name with no special characters no academic title, second name or whatsoever. Even my long signature is short. And I realized I needed to forgive myself for needing and wanting a short and very feminine first name. It was my internalized transphobia asking „Why would a big man want to have a short and very feminine name?“. Well, the answer is that a big man would really not want that, but who is a big man here anyway? That is how internalized prejudice works. Policing myself for my femininity. Gosh, so stupid. Did I contradict my earlier post? No. The marker does truly not help passing, but it does give a feeling of persistence and continuity. A kind of reassurance that even if not presenting overly feminine, just casual (which will then underline less the please do not perceive me as a cis male message), it will still not mean I am suddenly back being a man. And I do not mind if there is a slight confusion around it. This also shows how formal and official the Swiss society is, but as rules are rules, I will at all times be addressed as „Mam“, because that is my official gender now. I actually am fond of playing along this game, because the confusion only reflects back to the stubborn cis-binary system and to how unnecessary it is to gender everyone always and everywhere.

Re-post from: 08 Mar 2017. Maybe it is because of the socialist heritage of being one of “the musts”, but I never really liked Women’s Day (or any other thematic day for the matter of fact). We “had to” give a small bouquet of snowdrops to the girls and ladies (as being female assigned at birth per observed biological sex). I felt it is a pitiful gesture: Here you go, neat little flowers for you neat little females, but only this one day, so better enjoy it, ‘cause the other 364 days are? Yes, men’s days. Back to the kitchen and washroom ya’ all when today’s gone. International Women’s Day dates back to the first decade of the last century and as many things it is a US invention. Without wanting to undermine the historical relevance and importance, I would like to just note here the funny fact that amongst others in China, Macedonia and Sri Lanka this day is a bank holiday, to be more precise a holiday day, but for women only. Go free and celebrate yourselves, or I do not know how to look at it. So instead of chewing further on the dilemma whether it is appropriate to celebrate this day or not, I bring here my definition of feminism. I gave it a lot of thought; I surely wanted to elevate it from the original basic concept of a women’s liberation movement, I wanted to even out the various aspects of the philosophy not to be caught up on the popular topics like women’s wages too much, and also wanted to resonate proactively to some of the criticism around the modern feminist ideologies. This concept also rejects the conservative feministic approach and is intersectional and non-exclusive to the most possible extent. Here it goes: Feminism is not denying or disregarding any of the objective biological rules related to biological sex and reproductivity, but feminism does reject any restriction or discrimination applied onto an individual with reference to biological sex or reproductivity. This includes but is not limited to freedom of decision of the individual in relation to his or her body or the social role he or she feels right to fulfil in his or her life. Feminism is not rejecting the traditional family as a value and is not discouraging anyone of the vast majority who feel that that is the most appropriate way to live their lives, but feminism rejects the obligatory exclusivity of that model. In addition feminism does not believe that the actual roles in a marriage or a partnership need to be based on or determined by the biological sex and that either of the parties is mandated to submit themselves for the sake of the partnership or reproductivity. Feminism does accept that physical differences between individuals, including the differences between the average constitutional parameters of the biological sexes (weight, height, physical strength etc.) make certain individuals more or less suited for activities where these parameters matter (army, transportation, construction, heavy industry, impact sports etc.), but do not consider them to be exclusive based on the biological sex. In fact feminism believes that any role or activity in society can be just as well executed by a man or a women and consider the disproportionate representation of the sexes artificial and a social construct rather than something justifiable by the biological sex or the gender role. Feminism does reject positive discrimination and rather encourages investigating and eliminating the root causes of the disproportionate representation. Feminism expects that in the social interactions people are treated with equal respect and in no way differently based on their biological sex. Feminism objects to any physical and verbal abuse or insult of any individual, especially in connection to their biological sex. In addition feminism considers sexist remarks and joking inappropriate, hence they are to be noted and rejected. Such talks should also not be tolerated amongst same sex peer groups. Feminism rejects any kind of suppression or discrimination based on biological sex or gender identity, and would also want to abolish any „born” benefits related to these. Feminism is not advocating for any sexual orientation or is promoting alternative lifestyles, because sexual orientation cannot be influenced in that way, and gender identities are not alternative lifestyles or personal choices, but are life conditions. Beyond the broadest LGBTQ+ spectrum feminism rejects in general discrimination of any suppressed or minority groups (this is intersectionality). Feminism welcomes true and honest support and advocacy from anybody, regardless of biological sex, gender identity or sexual orientation; it is actually totally non-restrictive for anyone to join and identify as. Feminism especially welcomes men and transgender women, because these groups also suffer from the gender binary with women being subordinate to men. As such feminism equals anti-sexism, and fighting for equal rights regardless of biological sex or gender identity will also improve the situation of men and other majority groups. In even broader sense feminism is not only anti-sexism, but humanism fighting for equality broadly across society. Feminism is intrinsically liberal, promoting the individual, its choice and freedom as far as it is not to the harm of any other individual. Feminism is non-judgemental about life choices and as such not phobic of any kind related to these choices. Feminism is not promoting promiscuity, but it is non-judgemental for any kind of sexuality between consenting adults. Feminism does not acknowledge on the other hand prostitution and porn as acts with freedom of choice and therefore sees both participation and consumption as passive and active suppression respectively. Feminism is highly respectful towards history, culture and religion, but does not consider discrimination or suppression rooting from history, culture or belief acceptable, considers and rejects any expectations to adhere to such norms (and reinforcement of such) to be the invasion of the individual integrity and as such an attack against humanity in general. Feminism notes the examples of torture, homicide and genocide associated to such reinforcement tries. Feminism resents any compromise on feminist values especially due to financial and political reasons. And how to illustrate this post in order to get as far as possible from cheesy pictures of snowdrops and other formalities associated with days like Women’s Day better than by bringing you Zoltar, the fortune teller machine. This iconic vintage arcade played an important role in the feminist movie Big, with feminist lead actor Tom Hanks who was nominated for an Academy Award for this movie. So if you have nothing better to do on International Women’s Day, or if you are tired of men telling you how you should be celebrating, I can recommend watching this movie instead. Zoltar machine, China Town, San Francisco

1. Social intelligence All of society must have a basic understanding of what the LGBTQ spectrum is, what the different attributes are that define the minorities behind the letters. All need to understand sexual orientation vs gender identity and biological sex. All need to know how different and how many we are (even if you do not know / have not met anyone personally). 2. Do not assume. Just because what you think you see that person might identify very differently. Notice and respect hints in self-expression and avoid gendering at least in such situations. 3. If unsure, ask. e.g., May I address you as a man, a woman or do you prefer gender neutral? or simply: What are your pronouns? I cannot believe, but it still happens that I walk into a store although being almost 2 meters tall, but presenting fully feminine, impossibly not to realize at least that there is heavy binary gender non-conformity going on, even if not perceived as a woman, I get a „Hello Sir.“ or a „How can I help, Monsignor?“. People!? 4. Do not judge. If you think someone looks weird, or shows unexpected contrast in gender expression (vs biology or your impression of their gender) please do remember that person might be figuring out gender, might be in the terrible pain of gender dysphoria, might be transitioning, might not have means and resources to change some things of dislike in their presentations, or might just not have a good taste (which many cis people also do not have). It is sooooo not okay to laugh. If you are still into cheap gender humor (men in dresses), please watch Disclosure, a documentary which will explain how much gender trauma we got from media few decades back. You do not need to like what you see, but you should also not be shocked or feel provoked, just because someone expresses in a way you would not or would not expect (according to your perception or their gender). There are extremes in cis gender presentations as well: punk, emos, costume looks, hard rockers, ever sexy, ever youngs, extremely unmaintained, etc. The Pride protest marches put all LGBTQ extremes to display, but although cis extremes could also walk a Pride, they would not be told to be disgusting or provocative. Please therefore accept gender expectation non-conformity as you accept cis non-conformity. 5. Talk to your children. Well obviously, if you are cursing at home about gay and trans people, your children will take that unacceptable message forward into their children‘s society, but I know most do not do that. Even then it is required and requested to talk to them about diversity, minorities in general, differences of people in sexual orientation or gender identity. Tell them please it is not cool to make fun of, to pick on, or to mob any minorities. Such behavior can always be discussed with the teacher if observed at school. Schools should also systematically sensitize if not done already. Naturally these messages should be adjusted to age-appropriate complexity and content. LGBTQ is the universal philosophy of love and acceptance, and the promise of a colorful and totally free society, where everyone just feels safe and right. Those who do not get this are either dumb or are in some way personally interested in suppression, because of patriarchy, politics, bad religion, money, or power. Many times, suppression is coated with religious, conservative, nationalism, but beneath there is nothing but scrooge, rotten, patriarchy. On the other hand, true democracy, open society, freedom, and human rights go hand in hand with LGBTQ, just like good religion. I heard a Paleo Christian priest being asked in an interview: What do you think of gay and trans people? Very simple, I just follow what the Bible says he said: love one another, like I love you. There is no exclusion.

Re-post from: 29 Jan 2016. There is no stereotype of the male, but there are certainly some personality and behavioural traits more common amongst males. I am already getting myself into trouble with this article, because it will observe the cis binary conforming male population and will not go into any further differentiation of this (very large) group. There are many, many sensitive and charming guys out there with real good looks and tastes, therefore I must state that these, as discussed below are not supposed to be attributed to all of them. In addition to some not showing any of the listed habits and behaviours, some might show one or more of them, but it is unlikely that all would be fitting to describe one single individual. Some of these were / are also my traits. I am not going to excuse myself here for belonging to any of the groups below. I could have chosen not to, but at a certain point in time to look, act and behave like these types, actually did make sense. There has been a lot written about the macho overcompensation of hiding transgender individuals, who to compensate for the non-belonging, overexpress and overact. I can also not say that after accepting the game, it has all and ever been to my dislike. Peer pressure No need to emphasize probably that the behaviour of males is highly influenced by the peers: the spirit of the herd (or horde), we say. We do adjust our communication and behaviour to others we spend time with which is natural, but it is also accelerated in groups composed of males purely. Many times, I felt, especially when joining a new or a larger group of guys, that you will be clocked and measured, tested and teased; and eventually invited to adjust. If you successfully pass, you are accepted, and you can be a bit at ease. I recall situations where the here discussed team pressure was in a good stimulating range, but I do have remembrance of occasions where it got me just tired and frustrated. Intrusive communication How tired and frustrated you can get is also influenced by whether the members of the group exercise what I call intrusive communication or not. There are some extremes when one or more people are virtually terrorizing the whole group, who try to adjust, and there is also a level where it is more in the teasing and joking range. It is very hard to exist in the prior, but over time the latter can also be exhausting (even if you are part of the game). Intrusive in this means aggressively challenging, overwhelmingly personal, or cynically rude (just as a few examples). I have discussed before that there is a reinforcing element to the gender binary. Reinforcing means, that it is not enough to be cis-normative, you need to continuously check yourself and test others to identify and eliminate any non-normative sign of communication or behaviour. This is also part of the intrusive communication. My example is the times when I get awkward questions or genderish (that is a new word invented just now) teasing if I have a really colourful men’s office shirt on. Functional dressing Wow, we landed already at dressing. While many men of today are more fashionable than most women, and we know the saying: Clothes make the man, still you see many chaps out there who just do not agree with clothes having any esthetical value, whether they are a bit at all fashionable or how they come across wearing them to others. I have three examples: not nice footwear (the comfy white sneakers for all occasions or the sandals with socks in the summer), costume clothing (like a Crocodile Dundee leather outfit) and the clothes not fit for the purpose (like trekking clothes when not trekking at all, like I do many times). Overeating tendencies Extremes in the clothing bring us to extremes in other things, like eating. I will not discuss alcohol and drugs, because abuse is common in both genders, but overeating I dominantly see with men. You know the stereotype, who will starve in a fully loaded kitchen, but when served, will be happily eating anything and everything. It is a very special way of self-satisfying (I on purpose did not bring any autoerotic reference here), because there is the punishment element at the end, when fullness becomes a pain. No wonder these men make the “all you can eat” and “the bigger, the better” kinds of restaurants thrive. Must admit, I also did. Terrible communicators Coming from overdoing to underdoing, and while in groups men tend to be loud, extrovert and talkative, in their private communications they can be many times useless. Today’s technology offers easily accessible ways to meet new people and to keep up with old friends. If it would work that way. Especially if the communication is not happening during a longer time period physically spent together, it is utmost important to always give and take as well. When you answer, you need to give information in an interesting way and so, that it contains something which the partner can react and respond to. In addition, you need to be quick and intense. If not, conversations just die off. (Or never even start.) Competitive leisure time Ok, so we are passive in our 1:1 and remote communications, which we surely compensate when being physically together. And then it is not only how we communicate that becomes energetic, but we love to intensify also what we do together with some competition. As if work, life, organizing things (,driving) would not create competition enough, men gather many times to further exhaust one another. Here I would like to exempt organized sports (which I do not like, but understand), but why even when you come together for rest and entertainment, you need to play table soccer, darts, or poker (while getting more and more drunk). No offense though. Top-off policy We are getting to the more physical items, which include men generally showing more skin and body hair than women or what some prefer to see. Beauty does not count here, and the first sunny day when it runs above room temperature males are tempted to drop (without asking for any kind of consent) their shirts and calmly expose their upper bodies at virtually any place and at any occasion. Men are entitled to do that. They do not have to be shy or feel ashamed in case they might not be considered anything close to beautiful. There is no such thing as male beauty, or to turn it around male defines beauty. Why do not all women do the same? Noises and smell It is acknowledged though, as if biology would have been harsher on men, with the curse of excessive body hair and sweating, which really cannot (should not) be fought at all. In addition, the male digestion is more intense and that enables certain degradation processes, which do result in acoustic and nostril sensations, but these are fairly normal and should be tolerated. I cannot go into more detail here. Urinals and showers Let us admit, many men simply love to show off their genitals in male only facilities and situations. I do not even dare to guess, if this is really evidence that there is a competition going on here, there is interest to see and compare, or it is just the feeling of relief and freedom of being naked. Male sexuality Must be very careful here, but I will say, that I have always felt male sexuality has an aggressive element to it. Certainly at least by some of the individuals. To me the word hard always mainly meant: a surface not convenient to lie on, something which is not easy to do or understand or feelings which are not nice to bear. But I do also get, we are all animals after all… This concludes my top ten summary of male obsessions, habits, and practices. Must repeat the disclaimer, not all should carry all or any of the above. We might wanted or want to exercise some, which will not make us necessarily bad folks, unless we go into the extremes. We anyway surround ourselves ideally with people who have similar temperaments and habits, so we are more at ease in these companies. And last but not least probably women would say, there are similar or worse things they do, and women groups can be no less abusive than men’s. I do not know. I was always assigned and sent to play with the boys. And I am not saying I did not have fun.

As of 01 January 2022, in Switzerland I could walk into the civil registry office and for a fee of 75 francs, based on my personal declaration have my official gender changed. Right now, there are only male and female as available options, but there is absolutely no need for any medical or court approval or having to have undergone any physical change whatsoever. You walk in, you say, “I am a man / woman.” and it is a done deal. I am very thankful for this possibility and feel privileged to be member of a society which embraces trans rights beyond most other countries. I am also seriously considering this official gender change as option I would like to take advantage of, but when I am doing that, I need to weigh the advantages I get, versus the complications it might cause in my personal life and civil situation; including its international, work-related consequences as well as impact on daily life practices at home as well as being abroad. And I am not primarily afraid of the effort and paperwork of having to notify every institution I am registered at and request every entry to be changed one by one where my gender is listed from my bank to the last web shop, I have an account of. It will surely take time, but like if your name changes when you get married, the old version will slowly fade out and it will be a surprising rarity when it still pops up somewhere. It will also not cause blocks or compatibility issues as a third gender status would, as the M and the F are available and recognized everywhere. The main question for me what the change besides the administrative burden would bring to my life. It would surely not help being perceived more feminine, instead would rather need to be explained when I am presenting an ID card with an F. I recognize though that for some, who pass / blend in as the opposite gender, this is on the contrary reduces the perceived ambiguity between the looks and the gender mark. Will I feel more entitled to use the women’s bathroom or changing room? Probably not. Will the way I am referred to by those who know me long from the past change? The ID is not driving any of my interpersonal unofficial relations or interactions. Sadly, an official name and gender change will also not help the discussions about transphobia within not only the general population but in the LGBTQ groups. It will not help argue with trans exclusive feminism, who deny the existence of gender identity and look at gender on a biologically exclusive basis. To whom I or any of us will never be more that a modified male, a feminine alteration of what they claim to be my disillusion and detachment of reality of things, making my gender a belief or a lifestyle choice. It will not help gays and lesbian people with their fear of transgender diluting their groups and causes. It will not change the trend when we are becoming more inclusive, we only move the border of exclusivity to seclude the next minority. We cannot define our minority as the final frontier, I am sure there is more to explore, that the reason the LGBTQIA+ acronym is growing is that we are still exploring diversity and none of our groups can define themselves as the single, last, and most rare individual unit of diversity. Although the possibility of binary gender change in the civil registry is a good gesture and a step towards creation of a world where is room for diversity, it is only making it possible to get a record of not being cis binary, because it will be perceived by many as people who have a wrong gender marker. A man, well a bit feminine, yes, but with a female name and an F in the passport!? Is it legit at all? Some might ask themselves. Because it is not giving a justified own category of not fitting (being able to fit) or not wanting to fit into the binary male / female categories, it is not validating gender diversity it is only validating a person’s right to defy the binary construct. I will keep using the men’s for the time being. For as long as I will not make men feel uncomfortable by my manly body dimensions with a meanwhile quite feminine gender expression. It is not my preference; it is a practical choice of raising less attention and disturbing less. I do not want to be reminded that I am in the wrong bathroom, I do not want to pull my ID card with an F and a female name next to my photo to prove my being there legit. But should the time come, that men become intimidated by my presence in their spaces, there is no space where I can go to. I will keep thinking of the brand-new option, but I am also looking forward for true manifestations of embracing of gender diversity. When a company instead of posting all job openings with (M/F/D), implying they are ready for trans, would instead create a gender-neutral bathroom area. When an online shop would offer third options for accounts and newsletters; and even big brands miss that. Why do you need to brand unisex shoes as men’s in the high size range? Tall women should not wear those? What kind of public education would be necessary to achieve that if a waiter or a salesperson in a store sees that despite of my male traits I am obviously not presenting as a male, should not push the Sir? Because it is not enough to put your pronouns out on your social media account, people on the street will not refer to you the way you wanted it to be. So instead of putting trans people into a situation where they are constantly reminded of their discrepancy within the gender binary, painting their efforts to change their gender expressions as futile, please give a legit category for me to feel valid and recognized beyond of being a man or woman.

Chapter 2 – SEXUAL ORIENTATION AND NUMBERS Sexual orientation is the preference what kind of partner one is seeking in terms of the partner’s sex (and gender). It is the third attribute of any person as: sex, gender, and sexual orientation. For cisgender people this means affection towards the opposite sex (heterosexual), same sex (gay, lesbian) or both sexes (bisexual). Transgender is not a sexual orientation category, and it also does not determine sexual orientation, meaning transgender people can also be attracted to either or both sexes. The cis heterosexual, bi- and homosexual terminology is not 1:1 applicable to trans individuals due to the variance in their gender identities. The ever-expanding LGBT acronym (I think it stands now at LGBTQIA+) trying to cover all minority groups, can be confusing to many people and does not serve as easy reference. It is also not homogenous as it covers variances on all three human attributes as discussed above e.g. sexual orientation (L,G,B), gender identity (T,Q as queer) as well as the rare variations of the biological sex (I as intersex). Roughly 10% of the population (1 out of 10 people) are gay (and I am using gay here for: gay, lesbian, bisexual or at least are not “rock solid” 100% heterosexual). If you know more than 10 people statistically you know a gay person (out or not (meant as openly gay or not publicly open about it)); in a ten million country all gays could populate a one million large city. Studies suggest that 0.5-1% of the population is transgender, meaning 1 out of hundred, but at least one out of 200 people. So, if you know 200 folks, you probably know a trans person (out or not (meant as openly trans or not publicly open about it)); in a ten million country all trans could still populate a decent city with a population of over fifty thousand. The proportion of a minority in the population should not imply any difference in importance or relevance (that is the idea of minorities, being recognized as equally important and relevant as the majority), but there are up to twenty times more gay people out there as trans. Even though this is a big difference in numbers, transgender people are becoming more visible and represented in all areas of public life and matters.

Chapter 1 – SEX AND GENDER It is almost impossible to explain what it means to be transgender, and it is impossibly hard for a non-transgender person to be able to imagine what it might feel like to be transgender. I am using transgender (as a noun in plural) for all who identify differently than most of the population who solidly identify as either male or female and in line with their biological sex. But how do you identify as male or female, you might ask? You are either male or female, born one way or the other. This answer shows how and why sex and gender are synonyms for all who are not transgender. The opposite of transgender is cisgender by the way, when I am saying non-transgender or people who are not transgender, I mean the majority, the cisgender (you, the “normal” people). So, if your biological sex and your gender are in tune, you do not really need to identify, you gradually and naturally acknowledge your sex and assume your gender role in society as you grow up and as part of your socialization. When I say I was born male, but I do not identify as male I am calling out the differentiation I am perceiving between my anatomy, my biological sex, and my gender. I say: I identify differently, because even though I was clearly born male, being male never felt right. This is the first challenge in understanding trans; trans as simply being short for transgender. You need to imagine what it would be like if your sex and gender, your biology, your gender identity, and gender role would not be a simple, singular, natural, inseparable, and intrinsically harmonious something, which you never really had to realize, question, or challenge. One way to put it: imagine you were born in the body of the opposite sex with your current consciousness about your sex and gender. Add to that the situation that society, your family, friends, and colleagues all (rightfully and obviously) perceive you as the opposite gender, treat you likewise and expect from you to behave and act out your gender role (determined by how your body looks now). Instead of “I am male” try to say this: “I have a male body and a matching male soul”; “I have a female body with a matching female soul”. Please note and acknowledge that there are people out there who do not have naturally matching gender identification to their biological sex; and this identification not matching the biological sex is just as strong and real as your “natural” identification of being boy or girl.

We hear a lot nowadays about gender as being a social construct, suddenly used differently from how it was in the past, where gender was simply a synonym for sex. We also hear about people in media and maybe also in our personal networks who consider themselves transgender; as if this was a thing which is recently becoming more and more frequent or popular. It is very confusing now, as we had gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transvestites, drag queens and transsexuals, but where do transgender belong? Is this the same thing or is this something new? Transgender (short: trans): umbrella term, generally used for individuals who do not 100% identify with their gender as assigned at birth, e.g. they feel they belong to the opposite of the binary genders, or they do not feel 100% male or 100% female as the majority of the population. Gender: primarily a self-identification with a lot of social constructs and expectations associated with it. It is different from sex, e.g. it is the how you feel, how you identify yourself and not the how you were categorized when you were born based on your anatomy. Sex: the born, anatomical constitution of having male or female physical traits and reproductive organs. Ok, say you were born male, but you do not feel you are a man, you consider yourself more a woman, or totally a woman. So you are basically gay and you will have the operation to become a woman and you will date men after that? Sexual orientation: Sexual orientation actually has very little to do with gender identity. A transgender person is not by default lesbian, gay or bisexual, e.g. many trans are born as heterosexual males or females and this preference does not change over their lives. Sexual orientation (as for all and anyone) is a very private matter altogether, which one might or might not want to disclose and discuss with others. Transsexual: It is an outdated term, mainly used for transgender individuals who choose the option to hormonally and surgically alter their bodies and to transition (change) to become a member of the opposite sex. Transsexuals can also be referred to as transitioning / transitioned trans, and as such they constitute a subgroup of transgender people. Understood. So some do the operation, some do not, and you do not change your sexual preference along the way. Those who do not want to change then are the trannys and drag queens, right? Transvestite: Tranny as short of transvestite is also an outdated and carries a very bad connotation, hence it should be avoided. Transvestite means a person who puts on the clothes associated with the other gender. It can be linked with sexual arousal and fetishist desires as well. Many transvestites are not transgender. Drag: is a theatrical genre (act on stage), traditionally most popular in gay clubs, where men (draq queens) or women (drag kings) impersonate the opposite gender with a sophisticated, but exaggerated presentation. It is many times done in the form of a playback singing show (“lip sync”). Most drag queens are not transgender either. Crossdressing: is a very subtle terminology used to describe when someone uses items of the attire of the opposite gender for their self-presentation. Can be full or partial crossdressing, where partial crossdressing in daily life may also be referred to as queer presentation. Ok, but then please tell me what the typical transgender is like? How will I know when I see one? There is no transgender stereotype; it is a very heterogeneous group. Identities and presentations can vary from the very noticeable (even provocative to some) to the very subtle, not even noticeable dimensions. That is sometimes you do not see anything at all: you see a man or a woman, or you might perceive someone being dressed as the opposite gender, or just presenting different, not conventional. So how do I go about transgender people? What would be the right behaviour or approach towards them? Most important is to know and acknowledge that there are people who do not fit in the conventional male and female categories. It is simply the way they are; it is not a sickness, an attitude or a game of the mind. These people do not feel comfortable having to suppress themselves and align with the very strict social expectations of how a man or a woman should look and behave (present). Please respect personal integrity as you would do for anyone else. It is very ok to notice, to react or even to ask a question, but that without being offensive, intrusive or too personal. Sir or Mam? How should you be addressed, do I say he, she, it or they? Pronouns: In many languages and for many trans individuals pronouns and what gender they are addressed as is of utmost importance. Inappropriate referencing (also called mis-gendering) is taken as not being acknowledged in one’s gender identity. If intentional, it is considered to be a sign of rejection and as offensive. It is ok to make a mistake at the first go, you cannot always know, but if corrected, it is very rude not to follow the request of the trans person. Should you be unsure if you’re practice is right, just ask. Use of right pronouns is especially important when the person you are referring to is not present. You should know, you are hurting and upsetting someone badly if you do otherwise and the person finds out. Even if the gender neutral pronouns seem to be unconventional (like “they” or “ze”) or problematic to use at first glance, please put effort into this to show your respect. So can we talk about sex and gender honestly? I have hundreds of questions to ask you: like when and how it all started, how did you find out you were trans, whether you had the operation or you still have your “birth parts” and how does that affect you sex life? Wow, wow, wow. Wait a minute; slow down please with the questions. It is very important to emphasize that gender and sexual orientation need to be kept separate. Sexuality is something very private, and you should not expect someone you hardly know opening up and bluntly discussing with you their genitals or what they do in bed. You are eventually invading privacy here. On the other hand gender and gender identity is something, which most people do actively or passively disclose. Gender identity is expressed in the individual’s visual presentation as well as in the behaviour. In addition, most trans people are open to a certain level to discuss their gender identity with others, even with strangers. What you should understand and keep in mind, is that gender identity is something very intrinsic to the individual and to the personality. Just as for the cisgender, gender does not start, it is not a prompt realization, and people do not become transgender or come up with the sudden wish to change genders. Think about when and how you realized what your own gender was, and what your gender means to you. I guess we are then the cisgender, right? The rest of the world, who are not trans. Cisgender: is the opposite of transgender. It refers to the majority of the human population, who identify solidly with either one of the binary genders (as male or female), and it is in line with what has been assigned to them at birth, based on their genitals, representing their biological sex. This very important terminology is probably borrowed form organic chemistry, where the molecules can have two geometric constellations, which mirror each other and hence cannot be merged into one another by simple rotation. It represents two distinct versions of existence of the same entity. Please use cisgender to refer to non-transgender people to avoid having to talk about “normal people” or “born males” and “genetic females”, which would not be considered appropriate for trans individuals. But it must be hard being transgender and having a family. What about work? Would you like to work as the opposite gender? Obviously, the above questions related to partnership, family and work depend a lot on the matter of outing and transitioning. Coming out: simply means disclosing something which is not obvious and was formerly unknown about an individual. This phrase got well known about sexuality, and when gay people start talking about their sexual orientation to family, friends or in public. The same can apply to gender identity beyond conforming to the binary (male and female). Coming out is a very delicate, intimate and irreversible act, which should be solely initiated by (or done with definite consent of) the transgender individual. Unwanted or unintentional outing can lead to unpleasant situations for both sides, hence should be avoided. There is also a category of preventive outing, meaning that the information is shared with someone to avoid them getting to know about it unintentionally or from someone else (usually less trusted). Outing in the life of a trans person simply never ends, as (unless very early transitioning) there will always be the two distinct groups of people who know and people who do not know. Outing at a glance is when you simply show up in front of people (strangers or people you know) as your authentic self and take any questions should there be any. Transitioning: Transitioning in its physical sense means when transgender individuals undertake to change their bodies to (better) match the appearance of the opposite gender or any non-conforming expectations of the trans individual. Physical transitioning might include hormone therapy, surgery, but also more simple interventions like permanent body hair removal and other minor body modifications. In the social sense transitioning means when a person starts regularly expressing and presenting as the opposite gender or as binary gender non-conforming (queer). It also includes the fact that in a more or less close round of family and friends people know and acknowledge the non-conventional gender identity of the individual and relate to it in the relevant interactions. When and whether someone transitions is a decision which the transgender person needs to make, taking into consideration the individual’s personal situation and external circumstances. Transitioning is also very different, should it happen in the youth (we see more young people taking the chance to transition early than in generations before) as compared to transitioning after having spent decades and having settled in already as the gender role assigned at birth. That includes having established life, partnership, family and professional personality. If you are married, have a child and a career, do you want to give that all up to live as the opposite gender? Well, the question is unfair, as gender identity is not a choice and should not mean an either-or option for the trans individual. All of us have the same rights for finding love, having family and children and to be able to achieve in the professional world. That has nothing to do with non-binary gender identity and should not be hindering anyone to pursue all of these in life. Especially for people who have come out later in their lives, full transitioning many times is not an appealing option, and they organize their lives in a way that their gender roles are alternating and harmonizing. Workplace: Coming out and transitioning at the workplace is a delicate matter and should be carefully prepared and planned for. It is also advisable to seek specific advice or counselling to support the process. The decision in my view should actually be based on the fact whether there are specific conditions required for the trans individual in the working environment or not (e.g. use of bathrooms or changing rooms) taking the specificities (e.g. mandatory protective clothing, uniforms) of the individual profession into consideration. Parenting: Parenting as trans or non-binary can be very challenging and rewarding in the same instance. In general (similar to gay parenting) children need loving and caring people as parents, who are firstly not in terrible disharmony with themselves (including gender), and secondly who can teach them about all the values of the world that are worth standing up for. In this sense integrated transgender personalities greatly qualify for the noble task of parenting, with certainly being able to deliver the value of acceptance and social diversity to their children. I am now terribly confused with the terminology, what is queer and what is agender? Gender identity categories: The vast cisgender majority of the population is binary, meaning they identify fully (dominantly) with either one of the two binary genders (male or female), in line with their biological sex. Non-binary are people who do not fully identify either or. A trans person can also be binary, identifying as the opposite gender, but many trans are not like that, they are somewhere in-between: alternating, are gender fluid or do not define themselves as any kind of gender category (agender, genderless or gender unicorns). Many suggest that gender, contrary to the binary, should be rather considered as a spectrum. Without making this too complicated, we all can admit we have more masculine and feminine traits of our personalities; some like to express that aspect more or are even unhappy with having to confine themselves to their birth assigned gender role and expression possibilities. How is the world going to be? Will all be just an androgynous blend of people without classical males and females? Most probably not. Despite the heavy imprinting and almost mandatory nature of the binary social genders, with all the expectations towards your presentation and behaviours, most of us will still feel they belong to either the male or female subgroups of our society. Maybe there will be more freedom for everyone altogether. There might be more equality across all social groups, and there might be less inconvenience associated with crossing gender lines: like when a guy wants to pursue a profession or an activity traditionally considered not to be masculine, or if a woman is strong in professional life and is pursuing a career associated with responsibility, influence and power. And the sexist jokes will be gone for good, I hope. Seemingly more and more people are coming out as transgender? Is there a true increase in the number of people affected, or is it also a popular trend to be trans? Prevalence: There are no absolute precise numbers available as to what percent of the population is transgender. The most recent and most credible estimate is from last year (June 2016) from the UCLA Williams Institute and it points to roughly 0.6% of the population of the USA (1.4 million individuals) identifying as transgender (or binary gender non-conforming). The 0.6% is an average of 50 US states, varying between 0.3% and 0.8%. (Source: https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/research/how-many-adults-identify-as-transgender-in-the-united-states/) As stated, all above are estimates, but if you look at the range, there could be very roughly 1 transgender person out every 100 people, but should at least be 1 out of every 300. If you look at the trends showing more and more people being open about their non-conventional gender identities, than in any other survey or estimate before, in reality we should be closer to the 100 figure. So, if everyone has at least 100 people in their social networks, that would mean that statistically you know someone who is trans (open or not about it). In addition, I do not think being transgender can be considered a popular habit or a trend. If you think about this, something so fundamental, complicated and in some sense stigmatizing, does not really serve the purpose of a trend or as a good way to seek attention. I think the perceived increase in the number of trans people is simply due to the spreading knowledge about the matter, the media attention and society becoming more open and accepting (towards the expression of non-conventional personalities) in general. I do not mean to be provocative, but what do you say to those who then come up with the idea that they identify as something like an animal or an object? Where does tolerance need to stop? Third gender theories: I would not like to contemplate about any kind of self-identification and its authenticity, and generally tolerance and acceptance are always the right approaches towards creating a harmonic society. What needs to be pointed out on the other hand is that non-binary gender identities (third and fourth genders etc.) have been known and documented to have been co-existing, as normal variations of people across history and across various societies. Most commonly quoted examples are the “two-spirit” Native Americans or the Indian “hijra” population. In addition, the measurably high prevalence of non-binary gender identities as social patterns underlines trans being a vast and definite human social group (unlike the cat, wizard or “jedi” identities). If it is so “normal” to be transgender, than how come there be significantly more depression, drug abuse and suicide rates in this group? Gender dysphoria: is essentially the frustration or distress caused by gender identity issues to the individual. This terminology, introduced in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (2013), American Psychiatric Association), is moving away from the previously used Gender Identity Disorder category, and as such from considering transgender to be a pathological condition (in essence a mental disease). In this new interpretation gender dysphoria is the pathological condition (the root cause), which could have severe impact on the individual’s health (causing the depression, anxiety and contributing to isolation, poverty, substance abuse and increased suicidal risk). And what about children? How can be sure about a child being truly transgender when a boy states he feels like a girl, or when a little girl insists she wants to become a boy? Children do say and do many things out of curiosity; they like to play with different toys, put on all kinds of clothes, make-up, all what they pick up from adults around them. Transgender children: Firstly, gender dysphoria in children needs to be diagnosed by and managed with the help of trained and experienced medical / psychologist staff in specialized centres (where available), and any intervention, especially ones with great future impact (like puberty blocking hormones causing infertility), should be introduced with great care after years of monitoring and counselling. Secondly, children suffering from severe gender dysphoria usually have school and behavioural problems, are suicidal or hurting themselves in various ways, and are consistently delivering the message of having been born in the wrong body. This is something far beyond than a boy posing in her mom’s high heels for fun. OK, what about bathrooms? Which one should trans people use, and what if I feel uncomfortable with sharing a bathroom with someone with different genitals than mine? The bathroom controversy: Bathrooms can be messy places. They are available for use generally wherever we go; they are part of all human architecture. They are constantly reminding us of our biological origin, pose a significant hygienic challenge and are resource intense to maintain. If you think about it, beyond hygiene what a person also needs in a bathroom is privacy. The needs of a transgender person in this sense do not differ from a cisgender person’s needs. In addition, except for the urinals of the men’s rooms, the stalls and the supporting facilities do not differ in the binary gendered bathrooms; hence instead of debating where transgender people are allowed to go, we should be promoting the gender neutral, single use concept with all-gender supporting facilities. Under the binary gender separated bathroom circumstances I would let everyone (including cisgender) decide where they want to go. In practice this would ensure maximum stall utilization based on availability, but would still allow the urinal section (maybe offering less privacy) to be avoided by anyone who should be disturbed by it. This would also solve the problem of opposite gender parents to be able to accompany their small children to the stalls, which is obviously very problematic today. Are you then saying that transgender is not more than some people living amongst us who have preferences which are somewhat unconventional to us, and which might go beyond our expectations of most of the people in the world belonging to and presenting as the traditional groups of males and females? And these people are terribly frustrated, and that we could ease this frustration a lot by just accepting them to be who they are; letting them deal with figuring out their gender identities, and ensuring they have access to all the medical and non-medical support they need to reach their happy state? Yes.